


I Feel a Darkness

by Squeewockle



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: At least it's short right, But for now this is a fic about that episode, F/F, It's that one where she got bitten by the Widow, It's where Nicole is in the hospital, My first Wynonna Earp fic, Okay I should probably be more specific, Probably a bit angsty, She's in the hospital a lot, it's a bit short, sorry about that, there will be more in the future, yeah - Freeform, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21634906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squeewockle/pseuds/Squeewockle
Summary: Nicole doesn't regret a lot in her life. She knew she needed to save Waverly at all costs. Even if it means making sure Waverly can let go.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 1
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: contains spoilers for the end of season 2.
> 
> Hey! Something about watching episode 11 in season 2 punched me in the feels. (Didn't it punch everyone?) What was more punchable was the thought of what must be going through Nicole's mind. How terrified she was – but not to die. She was terrified of dying before everything was made right. Of holding Waverly back from being happy. 
> 
> That stuck with me a long time afterward. And then this tiny one shot came about. It's uh... heavy. But we all know it turned out okay, yeah?

Nicole’s terrified.

Pain sweeps through her like fire, searing through her veins, robbing breath and sanity and will to live with every minute. She needed to save Waverly, though. Nothing else mattered.

The widow’s relentless attacks, her impossible strength, and the advantage of surprise placed Nicole on the defensive. When Waverly surged into the fight, brimming with fury and fear and determination, Nicole crawled to her gun, gritting her teeth against the hurt. Waverly was holding her own, but Nicole didn’t intend to leave her girlfriend without backup. But then the scream, the hiss of widow’s breath, and everything else dropped out of her mind, boiling down to one crystalline thought. _Save._

Adrenaline surged, and pain vanished, sending strength beyond everything she normally possessed. Vaulting over the sofa, she’d seized that bitch in a choke hold. She'd prayed silently for Waverly to run, to escape –

But when those teeth sank into her flesh, blood, veins, everything swam out of focus. Her vision blurred, and darkness beckoned. Next thing, she’s here, tossing and turning in her hospital bed, gasping from pain, a scream building in her throat, though the sound was incapable of expressing the true depth of agony.

She’s terrified, because she knows she’s dying, and there’s words still left unsaid. Waverly’s in a fight with her, and it’s all Nicole’s fault. Even though she knows it’s her fault, she’s not sure the decision that caused it would change, even with hindsight. She held onto that secret because she knew it would hurt Waverly. Knew how scared Waverly was of the idea she wasn’t an Earp. Because the Earp name was everything to Waverly, even if Wynonna thought it a curse and sometimes mocked their legacy.

Oh, God. What if she dies, and Waverly’s still mad at her? What if she dies, and nothing’s resolved? Worse. What if she dies, but Waverly keeps her on life support, refusing to let Nicole go? It sends a cold flood through Nicole’s otherwise burning body. Because Waverly is precisely the kind of person who won’t let go. She might not be able to say the words I love you, but Nicole knows.

Months, years of Waverly’s life might be wasted, pining for an empty shell. Nicole’s seen what waiting in that way does to people. When they lose someone, but they’re unable to move on. When they sit by the bed every day for hours, waiting for a miracle to happen, wasting away until they become shadows of their former selves, unable to find love again, to smile again. She absolutely can’t let that happen.

The doctor wants to put her under, but she refuses. Not until she’s seen Waverly. She needs to say the words. She can’t die without saying them. The terror motivates her to confess everything, to put any potential regrets to rest, to make plans so people can go on without her. _I’m going to die,_ she thinks. No one feels this kind of pain without dying. As if her insides are being cooked in an acid bath, corroding everything within. _I have to fix things._

Wynonna visits first. “Promise me,” Nicole chokes out, after giving into her weakness for a moment, screaming for the pain to stop. It’s so hard to concentrate, to drag herself out of the excruciating process of dying, to form into someone strong and sure. But she has to be strong and sure. She has to get her affairs in order, to cover the important points. “I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be kept alive by a machine. You’re the only one she’ll forgive…”

After a fierce, reluctant stare, Wynonna agrees, but Nicole sees it tears something out of her. She’s not happy. Of course she’s not happy with those words, but Nicole trusts Wynonna to do what must be done. Because Wynonna’s priority is always Waverly. She knows Waverly can’t be left waiting for a corpse when she deserves happiness. She knows Nicole hates the thought of burdening someone else. And they both know Waverly will forgive Wynonna in the end. No matter what. Their bond is too strong.

The eldest Earp disappears when Waverly charges into the room, and Nicole tilts her head to the side, facing away from Waverly, to gather all her willpower and resolve in one breath. It takes everything in Nicole to relax her face, to smile, and to say, “Hey,” like her insides aren’t currently boiling inside her. It’s hard to focus, and harder still not to break down sobbing when she sees how worried Waverly is, but she manages. Somehow.

She tells Waverly to give Calamity Jane to Nedley. She blurts out, every word a struggle: _I’m so sorry. I really thought I was doing the right thing, but I made a huge mistake._ She has to say this, now more than ever. Waverly has to know. Now before the darkness she sees consumes her.

Waverly’s not accepting it. Of course she doesn't. It's so infuriating. Neither of them want things to end, and especially not like this. So Nicole patches up the holes where she can. She also throws in one last thing, because Waverly has to know. Nicole doesn’t have time to tell and ease Waverly about Shae, who is still her emergency contact, who will likely come here and share her medical details. But she does have time for the most important words of all.

_I have never loved anyone the way that I love you._

_There,_ Nicole thinks, as she kisses Waverly’s hand, as if it’s a lighthouse in a stormy sea. _I’ve said everything I need to say._ Her determination to hide the pain frays, and she clenches her jaw hard to stop the scream that's itching to escape.

Waverly can’t see her like this. Waverly’s last image of Nicole deserves to be those words, that kiss, her love laid bare. Nicole trembles from keeping herself together, and Waverly calls for the doctor to help.

There. Now Nicole can go. She's been strong, and feels secure in the fact that Waverly will have a future. Her sister will make sure of it. It'll be okay. _Please be happy, Waverly. Don't mourn me long_.

The doctor pumps the meds into her IV, and she stares at Waverly for all she’s worth, until her brain fogs. Until consciousness fades, along with the pain. 


	2. I Feel a Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After darkness, comes light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doing the fluff. Well, it's not fluffikins fluff, but it's not angst like before. Some words about that time when Nicole was NOT in the hospital but actually in that alternate dimension.

Something's missing.

Nicole doesn't know what, but it's gnawing inside like a dog worrying a bone. She's got her job, sure. Nice, normal, boring job in an equally boring town. The only thing exciting about Purgatory is its name. A cute postcard souvenir to send home to the wife so she could laugh about it.

With a sigh, Nicole stares at her ring, watching it glint in the light streaming in from the windows. It's times like this, when she has nothing but silence around her, and a small pile of paperwork on her desk, when she feels the _missing._ A profound wrongness about this whole situation. She can't quite put her finger on it, but she could've _sworn_ the dream she had when waking up was real. Trouble is, all dreams feel real right until the waking.

Plus, she no longer remembers what it was about. Only the conviction remains. 

Huffing through her nose, she whiles away the time, checking the time every so often. Twelve o'clock can't come soon enough. She gets stuck in a task, and when she finally zones out of it again, the time leaps to her attention. One minute.

_One minute!_

Her lethargic energy disappears. She straightens, brushing down her hair, loosening one button, and applying a fresh layer of lipstick. She sniffs, making sure her perfume's still strong. She's always liked vanilla cream on her skin, and the scent of it in a bottle. She doesn't dress too girly too often, but there are some girl things she's proud of. Like smelling good, and looking better.

Twelve o'clock.

Sauntering through the bullpen comes an absolute vision. Small and peppy and cute, wearing _far_ too revealing clothing, which suits Nicole juuuuuust fine. Her brown hair is tied back loosely, still somehow a mess, and the smile. Oh, that smile. Nicole tries to stay calm and patient, but she can't stop her own appreciation creeping over her face. She can't stop being incredibly gay.

The admiration squeals to a halt once Waverly stops in front of her, handing over lunch. Nicole accepts happily, but that unease inside her grows once more. 

It snaps completely when Waverly admires Nicole's ring, touching her hand with a soft, small one. A touch that feels so familiar that Nicole's skin almost burns from the contact. What is she doing with this ring? Why is it on her? This doesn't feel right.

None of this feels right.

Waverly withdraws her hand, and the world rights itself. She leaves, and after a moment, Nicole sinks back into her work. Back to her boring life. And back to these goddamn pickles in her goddamn lunch. Would it _kill_ Nicole to admit to Waverly that she's never liked pickles? She peels each hateful little thing out of her food, before crunching away. 

No. Of course she can't be honest. She doesn't want that bright smile to drop. She'd keep Waverly smiling forever, if she could.

Life doesn't settle down from there, though. Through a series of interesting and chaotic events, and feelings not quite explained, Nicole finds herself smushed with Waverly once more. Making a fool of herself with gay staring. Chasing down this missing _Wynonna_ , whose name sounds right, even though Nicole has no recollection of the person that name belonged to. Waverly's adamant, though, and Nicole is willing to go along with the crazy, because how could she not?

Especially when her memories are lifted for one moment, and Nicole realizes the heart-rending truth.

She loves Waverly. Her feelings are real. But she also betrayed Waverly. She hurt her so badly that it felt like nothing could fix the break. Hearing Waverly say _I love her,_ however, takes away the sting of betrayal. Hearing Waverly _betraying_ Wynonna for Nicole is astonishing. It knocks the breath out of her.

Waverly would never do that. Not unless she truly loved Nicole.

It's enough for Nicole to return to herself, energized, full of determination to protect Waverly Earp: the woman she loves.

Sure, she didn't expect to end up in an extended shoot-out against a boatload of angry revenants from Doc's gang. Then there was Rosita, and Jeremy, ill-suited for guns. She didn't expect to feel that bone-chilling fear of failing Waverly, somehow, or to go above and beyond to such an extent that people would call her a hopeless lesbian.

She did, though. 

Because somehow, through that sense of discombobulation, one thing shone true to Nicole, and that was Waverly Earp. Somehow, she was brighter than the stars. Whole galaxies of them. When the whole world felt wrong, this tiny Earp felt right. 

So when Waverly proposed her frankly, insane plan, Nicole stepped right up to the mark. She believed in Waverly, even if it meant dying. Hell, they were probably going to die anyway, once the revenants clawed and shot their way into the barn. So why not blow it up? There's a chance everything will work out. There's also a higher chance everything won't.

_I trust you, Waverly._

Just as she thinks this, Waverly reaches across the distance and kisses her. It's hard, frantic, and full of desperation. Her lips taste so familiar. Her body fits just right. Nicole pours her passion into that kiss, but Waverly feels like she's pouring in her soul. Nicole wishes the kiss could last forever. She wants to crush their bodies together and drown in that kiss. She wants this to be her last moment. It _will_ be her last moment, come to think of it. So sweet, so bitter. They should have had more time.

They draw away, smiling like fools, and with Jeremy, detonate the explosives.

The world explodes, then realigns itself. Reality comes rushing into Nicole's head, the false one hustling away. They're still here, and alive. Full of joy, Nicole kisses Waverly once more, who returns it with a gentle eagerness. What a wild ride. Being bitten. Waverly going behind Wynonna's back. Nicole _almost_ dying, yet miraculously recovering, only to be sucked into a weird alternate dimension of a world without Wynonna. 

Now Waverly is here, cradled in her hands.

_My love. My light._

Jeremy awkwardly clears his throat, and they pull away from one another. Promising silently to make it up later.

Now they have to go and find where the hell Wynonna ended up.


End file.
